Next week...

my husband will be home! I cannot believe it! These past four months went by much faster than I thought they would. I guess taking care of Amaya, the house and dealing with the pregnancy made time go by fast.

Now if only our son decides to stay in until Daddy returns. The doctor gave me a two-week window to give birth, and that was a week-and-a-half ago. Being on bedrest and taking care of Amaya alone is very hard. The only time I am truely able to rest is when I take her to daycare. Although, I hate taking her to daycare because I get lonely at home all day by myself. I guess that is just me being an emotional mommy. Pretty soon there will be no "lonely" moments in this house. The hubby will be home for two weeks straight on R&R and then a crying baby will follow shortly after. But I wouldn't trade any of it for any amount of money.

I cannot wait to get the phone call saying "Honey, I will be home tomorrow. My plane lands a XXX." The excitement is almost uncontrollable. My family will be together again =)

Only 30 more days!?!

I cannot believe that we are within 30 days of this deployment being over. Time has really passed much quicker than I thought it would.

When I said that to my husband the other day, his response was "Yeah, maybe for you." I guess Amaya has really kept me busy.

I am hoping that he will be home by my birthday, Sept. 15, but I am not banking on it. Somehow the military always has a way of spoiling hopes. But on a positive note we do at least have an end in site!

Now to get our new house ready for Daddy's return. And to get new outfits for Mommy and Amaya to surprise Daddy with at the airport.

Better late then never

I realize that I have not blogged in awhile. Life often gets away from us faster than expected, especially when caring for an active 16-month-old, working full time, dealing with a high-risk pregnancy and in the process of moving. All of this done while also dealing with the emotional strain of a deployment...what was I thinking!?!


Since my last update, Amaya and I went on a vacation to Virginia to visit my family. I stayed for almost two weeks, and Amaya had an extended vacation as she stayed with my parents for an extra week. She had a blast, and came back having learned new habits (some good and some bad) and growing more than I could have imagined. That week we were separated was a hard week for me. Not that I didn't enjoy the peace and quiet around the house, but it was lonely coming home to an empty house. It was also the first time I had ever been away from her for more than 10 hours at a time. Thank God for Skype. It was a little easier being able to see her face through a computer screen.


Having her home was a breath of fresh air. Now if only we can get Daddy home, our family will be complete again. But we are in the last month and then we will be together once and for all.


We have also moved into a new, bigger house. The two bedroom we were in was starting to get a little crowded, and would have been more crowded with the baby coming in less than 70 days. We were able to move into a brand new house that was recently built by the privatized housing company Pinnacle-Hunt. The floor plan is amazing and I am in love with it. Now to get it set up before Daddy comes home...yeah, that is the challenge.


I was thinking the other day how this deployment has taught me so much. It has taught me how to be strong, to have faith and to be the best mother that I can be. Although I know that my husband is doing what he needs to do to protect our freedoms, it is hard to be the one left back home. I know it must be harder on him not being able to be here first hand to "protect" and care for his family. Our little family is definitely tied together with love. Not a day goes by that I don't get to hear my loves voice, and for that I am thankful. Every minute away from him is hard, but it is also one minute closer to being in his arms again.


The life of a military family is hard. Constant separations, worries, recalls and moving can add to the stress in which families already feel. But in the larger scheme of things, we are able to say that the leader of our family is a true American Hero! Not only is he a hero for being a wonderful family man, but he also fights for men and women that he has never met. For children, like ours, to have the right to grow up to be whatever they desire.


He is my hero! I love you, baby!

her first sentence

Amaya made me cry this morning, she said her first real sentence.

The fact that she said a sentence isn't the reason I cried, it is what her first sentence was.

"Mama, Dada is gone."

I almost wrecked the car. Did she just say that!?! And trust me it was clear as day.

Almost immediately, well after I got over the shock of her saying a full sentence, my eyes started to tear up. I wonder if she realizes what she said. So many questions have run through my head since those four little words were spoken.

Why would she say that? Is it because she hasn't seen him in two days? Because he hasn't held her in two months? Did she overhear someone say that her Daddy was gone?

Mainly, I want to know if she truly does understand more than we think she does. Does she realize that Daddy isn't really at work like Mommy keeps saying he is?

I didn't want to drop her off at daycare this morning. I wanted to turn the car around, take her home and hold her all day long.

Single mother...what?

Someone recently said to me "I don't know how you do it as a single mother." Until then I had never thought of myself as a single mother, and to be honest I still don't.

In my opinion a single mother is someone who doesn't have the support of a spouse or other parental unit. I have the support from my spouse, he just happens to be in another country right now.

It's true that I have to play the role of both Mommy and Daddy while he is gone, but he is still a large part of my daughter's life. We Skype as much as possible and there are tons of photos around the house that she talks to constantly. She never goes to sleep at night without her Dada, the doll, and she even gives him a good night kiss!

She often breaks my heart by asking for him, or even going to other rooms calling his name. I wish the military didn't have to take him away from us, but I know he is away for a good reason.

Now Americans can go to bed at night safe and free because my husband is defending their freedoms, in turn making me a proud wife and "single mother."

Difficulties

As with any parent, I feel so overjoyed when my daughter does something new and exciting. As I laid in bed last night thinking of the new things she has started to do, I got a little sad. Sad because her father is missing out on so much while he is deployed.


It is the little things, going to the potty, saying new words, picking up new gestures and adventuring onto new activities.


I try to keep him in the loop as much as possible. We have started a deployment chain, a paper chain counting down the days Daddy is gone. Every day we write down an activity we have done that day, whether it be swimming or shopping. Sometimes we just write about how much we miss him. Hopefully this will give him a nice keepsake journal for when he gets back. We can look back on it and see what we did or accomplished while he was gone.


Being pregnant, and high-risk nonetheless, has been extremely difficult while he has been gone. He wasn't there to see the ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby (which is a boy!!) or to hold my hand when they told me I need to be tested as a cystic fibrosis carrier. Deciding on whether or not to tell him the tests they are running on me and the baby has also been difficult. I don't want to stress him out or put any more worry on his head while he is away. He needs to have a clear head and take care of business =) Things would be easier to have family closer to go to these appointments with me, or hold my hand when I needed it most.


I think that is one of the things I like least about being a grown-up. Having to make difficult decisions and not always having someone to pick up the pieces for you. I know my parents would do anything in their power for me, but sometimes I know it is better to stand on my own two feet and make the most out of the situation that I am in. I just wish I could go back to the days when the most important decision I was making was what to wear to school or who I was going to play with at recess. And to think that at that age all I wanted to do was be an adult...little did I know.

Funny times

Every day my daughter seems to amaze me. She picks up on everything and loves to mimic things I am doing.


Yesterday morning after we got out of the shower, I was putting lotion on my ever growing belly and she started to rub her belly and say "Bay! Bay!" She then pointed to her belly and said "Bay, Mama, Bay!" I was laughing so hard I had to sit down in the middle of the floor.


She is always rubbing her belly when she is walking around the house, and I guess now I know why. She thinks she has a baby in her belly like Mommy does.


At night when we are laying in bed, she rubs my belly and says "Bay!" When I ask her where Mommy's baby is she points to my belly. I never thought a 14 month old would understand the concept that there is a baby in mommy's belly. Maybe she is smarter than I ever imagined.


We have started the potty training adventure, my goal is to have her at least 90 percent potty trained by October. She is doing pretty well. She uses the potty almost every time I sit her on it. Last night as she ran around the house naked (she has learned to take off her diaper, so there is no stopping her being naked) she actually sat on the potty and peed without Mommy knowing it. I soon found out when I heard her playing in water, also known as pee. So then I had to clean her, the potty and the floor. But at least she went to the potty all by herself =)

Our first road trip...alone

Amaya and I took our first road trip by ourselves. We went to Oklahoma to visit my sister & brother-in-law.

She did really good, she only got fussy once or twice. Luckily I packed an entire box of toys, along with 6 sippy cups full of juice and an entire box of fruit loops for her to munch on along the way.

Once we got to Oklahoma, she was delighted to see her auntie, who she hasn't seen since February. She played with her and talked to her. She had a ball! She even liked their Boxer, Minnie, although it took her a little longer to warm up to her.

This is a photo of her passed out in the back seat on our way home, don't worry I didn't take the photo while driving...I was stopped!

Daddy Doll

My daughter, Amaya, is in love.

We order her a Daddy Doll through Operation Hug-A-Hero, and received it in the mail last Friday. She has not put it down since I took it out of the box and showed it to her. She takes it to bed with her, in the car, to the store, to the bathroom and even holds him while she sits to watch television. She gives it kisses and says "Dada."

I asked her the other day where her Dada was, and she brought me her doll. I have to say this may be the best thing since sliced bread. The front of it has a full length photo of him taken the day he left us for deployment. The back is the Air Force tiger print she sees Daddy wear everyday.

I believe this is helping her with the separation that she is going through, and would recommend the it for any military spouse who has children. Even when Daddy returns, she will be able to have Daddy with her at all times.

My support system

This isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I think I am actually getting the hang of doing this all by myself.

Luckily, I have a great support system of family and friends who are always there when I need them.

As I learned in the Coping with Deployment course a few weeks ago, making connections is one of the most important things families can do while facing a deployment. These connections can come in the form of their family, friends, other spouses, different groups on base, or even local community organizations.

My main support comes from my family. I speak to my mother, who is in Virginia, on a daily basis. I know I can rely on her and my father for anything I need. They often tell me, "If you need me I will be on the road in a split second." I know I can also call my sister, who is also a military wife living at Altus AFB, Okla. My extended family, in-laws and friends are also a big help when I need to reach out to someone.

My other support system is through other military spouses. It is often said the fire station is a squadron within itself. Firefighters take care of other firefighters, and firefighters’ wives take care of other firefighters’ wives. Talking to another military wife helps ease the stress from a military standpoint. They often know what you are dealing with when you have military problems, or even just the daily routine. Firefighters have a unique work schedule, as they work 24-hour shifts. So we often have a common bond that is built when we visit our spouses at work.

Lastly, my co-workers are able to help with my daily stressors. Honestly, they probably feel the biggest brunt of them. No matter what, they see me every day for eight hours. They hear my moans, groans and excitement. However, they never complain and they listen.

For anyone who feels they don’t have a support system, you can always contact your spouses’ first sergeant or squadron. The Airman & Family Readiness Center is also a great source when someone needs a person to talk to. Know that you don’t have to go through things alone. The military is one big family.

Mother's Day mishap

Well, it has finally hit me. My husband will not be coming home for months. It only took two weeks to sink in.

It hit me on Mother’s Day, the day most mothers are pampered. I woke up that morning to an e-mail from my husband telling me how great of a mother I was and he would call me later in the day. I waited all day for his phone call. About the time my daughter and I leave the house to get dinner, he calls. However, I didn’t have signal on my way out of housing and I missed his call. After listening to the voice mail he left, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

When we returned home, I just held my daughter and cried because we had missed Daddy’s phone call. And at that moment, it really hit me. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call him back. I just asked myself, "How could I have missed the call?"

That night as I laid in bed, I couldn’t help but kick myself in the rear for leaving the house when I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I told myself I cannot put our lives on hold to sit by the phone. Our lives still have to roll even when Daddy is gone.

I think that is the hardest part about being at home without your spouse. Although they are gone, we still have to keep the house running. Now I have to play Mommy and Daddy. Before, I could always depend on him to help with dinner and the cleanup afterward. I knew he would help with laundry, even if it was just putting it in the washing machine. Now, I have to do it all on my own — and with a 1-year-old at my heels.

However, it kind of gives me a sense of empowerment. I know I can do it on my own and the house isn’t going to fall apart without him being there. I can be the chef, maid, disciplinarian and chauffeur. I have a new confidence in myself I didn’t have before.

I recently read a letter from TV personality Ben Stein, who wrote to a group of military wives in Fort Lewis, Wash., in 2004.

"The wives keep up the fight even when they have to move every couple of years, even when their checks are late, even when they have to make a whole new set of friends every time they move," the letter read. "Without them, we are nothing at all. With them, we can do everything. They are the glue that holds the nation together, stronger than politicians, stronger than talking heads, stronger than al Qaeda."

I have been told many times I am a strong woman. I can overcome this situation. And as my grandmother always says, "This too shall pass."

There is an end in sight ... it just happens to be in September.

Week one...It's only been a week!?!

It has been more than a week since my husband left for a four-month deployment. I have to say, it hasn’t really hit me yet. Hopefully it stays that way.

This isn’t our first rodeo, as he calls it, but this is the first deployment since our daughter was born. And I believe the hardest part is when she is asking and looking for "Dada."

Technology is such a great thing. We have been able to Skype with him a few times. I am not sure how older veterans were able to get through long deployments without the wonderful technology we have today. I am truly thankful we have the opportunity to do it.

A few days ago, a lady told me I need to suck up all the sad or angry feelings I had about this deployment because I married into the military life. As a veteran myself, I understand the need for deployments and I am proud my husband is fighting for the freedoms we all enjoy each day. But having to "suck up" my feelings through this deployment isn’t an option.

If you have never lived the military lifestyle, you cannot even fathom the roller-coaster ride that can come with it, from deployments, being on duty for 24 hours at a time, to never knowing when the call will come through for a recall. Military families constantly have to be on their toes. For families with a loved one deployed, not knowing when the next phone call will come or if they will be home for the next big holiday can be an added stressor.

I recently attended Coping With Deployment, a course through the American Red Cross. It was free and open to all military family members who are about to deploy, going through a deployment or just returning from a deployment. The course was informational and very helpful. With the group discussions, it was comforting to know other military wives are going through the same things I am.

Knowing I am not the only wife out there who is being a geographically separated single mother puts my mind at ease. Although everyone’s situation is different, there is still a common bond between us all. A secret fraternity of sorts.

Through my eyes...

I am starting this blog to give more of an insight on what military spouses may experience when their loved ones are deployed.

As a mother of a 1-year-old, 4 months pregnant with our second and being geographically separated from all of our family, this deployment is sure to take its toll on me. This is not the first time my husband and I have been separated in our marriage due to him serving his place to take care of the Air Force mission, however this is our first time since our daughter was born. The hardest part, so far, is when she asks for her "dada."

Hopefully this blog will at least let other spouses out there know that some of the things they may be feeling or going through, they are not alone in. I am sure somewhere out there, there is someone that is having near the same experience as I am. If not, maybe it will at least give non-military people a look inside to what military families deal with on a daily basis.

With that said, here is my story...